Something Happened To The Fellowship of the Ring
by Cestari
Summary: A change of character here, a few new names there... and the Fellowship of the Ring will never be the same again.


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A Funny Thing Happened On The Way to The Fellowship of the Ring

Grant Dolf knocked on Bill Bagin's door.

Bill opens his door. "Hi Grant!"

"Hello Bill. Can I come in?"

"Sure. Do you want anything to eat? Tea? Water? Wine? Ale? Bread? Cheese? We do have some cheese here...."

"Just tea."

"We have some cheese!"

"No, just tea."

"Are you sure? Cuz we do have some chee-"

"Aaaargh!"

****

Still in Habbit Town, at Bill's party:

"Grant?" Sam Weiss asks.

"Yeah."

"Why is Mr. Fred dancing like a chicken?"

"No idea."

They don't notice a figure behind them running towards Grant's fireworks. He hits the tent next to him.

"Merry, that hurt!"

"Sorry Perry." Merry throws Perry into the car full of fireworks. "The big one the big one!"

"How about this one that looks like a shrimp?"

"That works."

They set it off and the tent explodes.

"Whooooh! Cool firework Grant!"

"But I didn't set that one off yet!!!!"

The firework turns into a dragon which swoops down, engulfs everyone in flames and kills them all.

Uh, let me change that. It swoops down, scaring everyone, and then exlpodes up in the sky.

"Cool. Come on Bill, let's hear your speech."

"Ok, here goes. My dear Bagins and Muffins, Toots and Winedeers, Grubs, Chubs, and all of you. These many years are half as long as I would have liked to have known half of you half as well as I have and half of you are given credit for being only half as good as you are and half of that half I only like a little when half is as many as I know half as well as I want to." Big happy smile. "Everyone got that?"

"Umm...."

"Good. Bye everybody." He dissappeares.

****

17 years later, same place:

Grant knocked on Fred's door, which used to be Bill's door but is now Fred's door.

"Hi Grant!"

"Hi. Listen, you need to leave right now. You know that ring of yours? It's evil. Right now big scary guys in black Mustangs are trying to hunt you down. If they find you they will stab you which will make your eyes turn transparent and ooz green, so get outta here while you still can ok?"

"But Bill took the ring with him when he left for the house of the Riven Dells!"

"WHAT??!!"

"Just kidding."

****

At Eyes-In-Guard:

"Hi, Soloman."

"Hi Grant, what's up?"

"I have to ask you a question...."

"Sure. Shoot. But just so you know, Ringo Smith is back. He hasn't got human form but you'd know him when you see him; he's this big flaming eyeball that sits ontop of his radio tower over by his Mortar company."

"You know this?"

"Um, I just told you, didn't I?"

"Oh yeah."

"And also, I'm evil now. So I'm gonna have to beat you up, ok?"

"Oh crap."

"Mwahaha!!!!"

****

And now, in Random Cornfield:

"Merry! Perry! What are you doing here?"

"Umm..."

"Foraging."

"Yeah. Foraging."

"....Right...."

****

In the town of Brie, where they Make Cheese:

"Hi guys."

"Who are you and why are you reading my shirt?"

"What?!"

"Sorry. Got that out of a catalog. Who are you and why are you staring at Mr.Fred?" Sam asks.

"My name is Arn Strider and I'm here totake you to the House of the Riven Dells."

"But don't I have to wave the Ring around first? And don't Ringo's agents in the black Mustangs have to come invade?"

"It takes too much time. Anyway. Welcome to the Weather Tower. I have to leave now so you can get attacked, ok?"

"We could have done that at Brie too you know."

"Shut up."

So the Nose Gulls in the black Mustangs come and be all scary and then go away.

"Hey!! You're supposed to stab me!"

"Sssstaaabbb yoooourrrsssseeeeellfffffff. IIIIII'mmmm buusssssssyyyyy."

"Ok. OUCH!!!!"

****

Back at Eyes-In-Guard:

"Hey Mr. Moth."

"Yeah."

"Go get me my airplane ok?"

"Sure thing."

"Thanks."

****

In the House of the Riven Dells:

"Hey Fred! You've woken up. My name is Elbert Ronde. Welcome."

"Grant, his eyebrows are scaring me."

"They're scaring everyone Fred."

"Even the author?"

"Especially the author."

"Now that you're awake, go to Ringo's Mortar company and throw the Ring in Mount Or Odd Ruin, ok?"

Ok. So Fred, Merry, Perry, Sam, Grant, Arn, Lief Green, Gil Gloinson, and Branden Steward all leave to throw the Ring into the volcano.

"If you're Isildur's heir why, since he would have been too, didn't your daddy go claim the throne?"

"Uh... He didn't want to?"

"If the Dunedain are decendants of kings why are you wandering around up north?"

"Ehehe.... Dunno, no one's ever written about that."

****

In Cuz Odd Doom:

"There are dead dwarves everywhere!"

"We see that, Branden. We have eyes."

"Shut up."

Gil looks around. "NOOOOOOO!!"

"Um. Yeeeesssss."

"Quit it! Let me have my Sad Dramaticy Scene!"

"Look out! Orkin Man attack! Cave Troll attack!"

Lief jumps at the Cave Troll and shoots it from above in this really cool scene where his hair flows all around and he looks so gorge- sorry. Getting off track.

"Aaaaaaiiiii! Grant! Bell R. Og is behind you!"

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS BELL R. OG!!!!"

"He fell into the pit."

"I know. Didn't you read the script?"

"No."

"Oh boy. He doesn't even know his finge is gonna get bitten off!"

****

In Car As Gallant Don:

"Car As Gallant Don? What on earth is that?"

"Um... a Car playing someone named Gallant Don??"

"It's a stupid name. No one's even gonna know what that is. It doesn't sound like Lothlorien."

"Shut up Merry," says the Author. "I control your life right now. Keep bugging me and I'll make a big lightning bolt come down and hit you."

"But-"

ZAP.

Mwahaha!

****

At The Place The Author Cannot Currently Think Of A Name For:

Llethwe arde nath ellnenna imman, nireth aoleh morennuean o nieth....

"What on earth is that author DOING????!!!!!"

"Trying to see if anyone reading this knows elvish, Arn."

"I know elvish!!! That's not even real elvish!!!"

"Hey!" Says the author. "MY fanfic. It is if I say it is."

"No way! I've had it with you! You're crazy!"

Author stares in fascination. "Wow. I didn't even type that. The story is writing itself!.... ....Uh oh...."

"Mwahaha!" Branden says. "We have control now! And our first act will be to get rid of you! Let's get her, guys!!!"

"AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!"

[COMPUTER TEMPORARILY MALFUNCTIONING..... AUTHOR HAS LOST CONTROL OF THE CHARACTERS....... COME BACK LATER.] 


End file.
